You can't just get away with a pun

Last night, Alison and I ventured down to Acme to watch Krisco perform on open mic night. I haven't been since...early September? Has it been that long that I've experienced this stand-up withdrawal? Sure, I had the privledge of seeing the Great Brian Regan. I saw Comics for Kerry. I watched Seth Myers and Tracey Ashley at Coffman. I watched Dayne Cook and Jerry Seinfeld with my cousins over Thanksgiving. I even went to Acme once, and paid to watch a show for some reason. But none of the above will ever compare to the dynamic of open mic. The slow progression from "first-timers" to "local pros." Recognizing faces, recognizing jokes. Regarding everyone as "the guy with the thing about___." Repeating all the favorites the next day. Daring to talk to the comedians in person after the show. None of this can be experienced on Comedy Central. Stand-up isn't something I would ever have the guts to do, so maybe I shouldn't pretend to have any hints for those aspiring to do it. Nevertheless, against my better judgement, I have come up with this list of the top ten hints for aspiring amateur comedians:

10) Don't do jokes about alcohol, sex or drugs. Granted, the typical audience for a free comedy show will identify with these themes, but they are often overdone and I rarely see something novel enough to be memorable.
9) Make yourself comfortable onstage. You're going to be living up there for the next 3 minutes, so take a drink up there, set it down. Don't stand in one place, move, use your space.
8) Go up there with more material than you think you'll have time for. Don't talk to fast, but give yourself many places to end, just in case.
7) Stories about when you were a little kid almost always go over well. Everyone can identify.
6) Audiences are more conservative than you think: jokes that are obscene can and will make people uncomfortable. People won't laugh, they will groan. Or stare in disbelief.
5) Don't estimate the audience's ability to be smart, but don't blame them if they aren't. Use smart humor--not everyone there will be drunk and stupid, and you might just make someone's day. Say it quickly and hide it within other jokes. Someone will get it. But don't be offended if it doesn't bring the house down.
4) Don't be too self-depricating. Some of the best comedians make fun of themselves to some extent, but if your entire act is "I can't get a date, ha, ha" then people want to cry, not laugh.
3) Transitions are so key. Do not jump from one one liner to another. Develop your joke, then slide gracefully into the next one.
2) WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY BEFORE YOU GO UP THERE! Verbatim, if it helps. Stand-up comedy is more carefully crafted essay than it is rambling monologue. Keep it short and well worded. Then practice it.
1) The whole point of open mic is to try out material to see if it works. If you don't get a laugh, reword it and try it again. If it falls flat again, create some new jokes. It's all about trial and error, the audience expects it. Hang in there.

Of course, this is all unsolicited, untested advice that no one will read. All based on many months of naturalistic observation. But if it helps someone out there get a giggle, I will be delighted (and surprised).